I feel like we're making progress. Last night I was the team leader for a Little Girls Night in the Library Party several moms and I do each year as a fundraiser for Roo's school. I started doing the party years ago when Big Sis was in 3rd grade. The school librarian used to do a similar party but gave up because she didn't have moms helping and tried to rely on junior high girls who spent their time on the phone calling friends. I asked her to participate again and if she did, I'd get a team of moms to help out. So I did the party 5 years with my first team, took last year off, and then was asked to start it up again this year. I knew it would be a fun thing for Marisa to do, and a great way to experience more inclusion with her classmates, so I said yes. I had a new team of moms this year and they were all great to work with. Big Sis came to help out and I got several other older girls to come too. We had 29 1st through 3rd graders in the school from 6 to 9 pm. Just a few tears from tired girls now and then, nothing major. Marisa had a grand time, participated in all the activities, hung out with kids from all three grades, and didn't get overtired or engage in challenging behavior the entire time. She did practice a little bit of tough love on a couple girls here and there, but they were good about making her stop and then letting her continue on playing with them. They have learned how to be with her, and she is learning how to be with them. That's what it's all about.
Today she went to a birthday party for one of the girls in her class. All the girls from her class were at the party last night and then at the birthday party today. This was the first time I felt comfortable leaving her at someone else's house and it worked out just fine. Soon after we got there she did make a beeline upstairs to her friend's room, but the girls went to get her, brought her back down, and she became engaged in the party activities. There are some really wonderful, sweet girls in her class, and the moms are terrific too. This is the biggest reason I'm glad she's back in school now. I've been thinking that she would be further along academically if she were home with me, and I know for a fact that would be the case; but seeing her blending in with her friends, and seeing them accommodate her naturally, welcoming her warmly when she walks in and hugging her sweetly when she leaves, makes this placement worthwhile. The trick as we go along will always be to find that balance between the academics and the social. For now, building friendships and all types of social relationships is the utmost goal.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Friendship
This has been a very big year for our family. The transition from homeschooling back into a school building, with all the pressure to "behave" and learn the ropes while making academic and social progress for little one; and moving from a small, protective environment of 18 8th graders (capacity is 28, they just had a small class the last year), into the much bigger pond of a smallish but way bigger high school in the midst of the city, for big one, has had its ups and downs. Thankfully overall I'd say there have been many more ups than downs, and isn't that what is important?
A child's experience of their school years has to do more with the relationships they form with the kids in their class, than the interactions they have daily with teachers, staff and other parents. Academics are important, but its the social stuff they will likely remember more years later, and that can set the tone for whether they have happy memories or not so great ones of their school age years. When I was in elementary school, my best friend was one year behind me all the way until 5th grade. She was very bright and was moved up into my class that year. Well, I thought we'd be the same and continue on our merry way being BFFs. That didn't happen. A couple of girls from my class decided to take her under their wing, and I was left out in the cold. Horrors! She and I did eventually become close again, but that was right before my family moved away at the end of 7th grade. Losing her friendship in 5th grade is one of my clearest memories from that era.
Big Sis had several close friends in her primary years, but she really needed to dive from the little pond into the vastly larger one of high school. She often said she was not one of the "popular" girls in her grade school, but I would always counter that with "Do you have good friends? Do the kids in your class like you? Then you are 'popular' in that sense, and besides 'popular' hopefully won't mean anything at all to you later on in life." Of course Motherly advice like that usually goes in one ear and out the other. Oh well.
The great news is that now she has a very large group of friends, and they all seem like "good" kids. I'm starting to sense, based on what some of their parents have told me, and just getting to know the girls a bit, that this particular group is made up of girls who all seemed to think they weren't part of the so-called "popular" crowd at their grade schools. Imagine that! They all "survived" grade school and then found each other and formed a pack in high school. What a wonderful thing for my lovely daughter. Now comes the hard part. She is so socially engaged now that she has to work extra hard to stay on top of the rigorous academic program. She now has to learn how to balance keeping an active social life going while making sure she is doing her best on her assignments. This will be a very good lesson for her to learn.
With Roo, we are trying to balance finding time for all important playdates after school with all the therapy visits and the need to have some completely unstructured days some days. I've been very slow in getting the playdates going this year, just because we've had so much else going on, but I know how important they are for building friendships and learning/increasing social skills. The great news for her is that there are some really sweet girls (and several sweet boys) in her class who are becoming her good friends. And, the very best way to learn how to modify your own behavior is not to have Mom tell you what to do, or what not to do, but having a peer tell you. The best way for her to learn not to grab other kids is for those kids to tell her that to her face. Over time that strategy is working.
All I ask in this life for my kids in their social pursuits is that they have kind, loyal, good-hearted friends. I have more wonderful friends now than I've ever had in my life and I want that for them. Because at the end of the day, it's not what you did, but who you are; and being socially engaged with a variety of people throughout life is one of life's greatest gifts.
A child's experience of their school years has to do more with the relationships they form with the kids in their class, than the interactions they have daily with teachers, staff and other parents. Academics are important, but its the social stuff they will likely remember more years later, and that can set the tone for whether they have happy memories or not so great ones of their school age years. When I was in elementary school, my best friend was one year behind me all the way until 5th grade. She was very bright and was moved up into my class that year. Well, I thought we'd be the same and continue on our merry way being BFFs. That didn't happen. A couple of girls from my class decided to take her under their wing, and I was left out in the cold. Horrors! She and I did eventually become close again, but that was right before my family moved away at the end of 7th grade. Losing her friendship in 5th grade is one of my clearest memories from that era.
Big Sis had several close friends in her primary years, but she really needed to dive from the little pond into the vastly larger one of high school. She often said she was not one of the "popular" girls in her grade school, but I would always counter that with "Do you have good friends? Do the kids in your class like you? Then you are 'popular' in that sense, and besides 'popular' hopefully won't mean anything at all to you later on in life." Of course Motherly advice like that usually goes in one ear and out the other. Oh well.
The great news is that now she has a very large group of friends, and they all seem like "good" kids. I'm starting to sense, based on what some of their parents have told me, and just getting to know the girls a bit, that this particular group is made up of girls who all seemed to think they weren't part of the so-called "popular" crowd at their grade schools. Imagine that! They all "survived" grade school and then found each other and formed a pack in high school. What a wonderful thing for my lovely daughter. Now comes the hard part. She is so socially engaged now that she has to work extra hard to stay on top of the rigorous academic program. She now has to learn how to balance keeping an active social life going while making sure she is doing her best on her assignments. This will be a very good lesson for her to learn.
With Roo, we are trying to balance finding time for all important playdates after school with all the therapy visits and the need to have some completely unstructured days some days. I've been very slow in getting the playdates going this year, just because we've had so much else going on, but I know how important they are for building friendships and learning/increasing social skills. The great news for her is that there are some really sweet girls (and several sweet boys) in her class who are becoming her good friends. And, the very best way to learn how to modify your own behavior is not to have Mom tell you what to do, or what not to do, but having a peer tell you. The best way for her to learn not to grab other kids is for those kids to tell her that to her face. Over time that strategy is working.
All I ask in this life for my kids in their social pursuits is that they have kind, loyal, good-hearted friends. I have more wonderful friends now than I've ever had in my life and I want that for them. Because at the end of the day, it's not what you did, but who you are; and being socially engaged with a variety of people throughout life is one of life's greatest gifts.
Friday, April 15, 2011
To thine ownself be true
I've had "feminine" issues for years. I won't go into the details here, but I've tried many different treatments (OCPs, Estrogen patch, Progesterone cream, etc., etc) over the years with little to no success. About 10 years ago things got even worse. I used to have migraines once or twice a month, but then they started coming much more frequently, up to 10-12 days a month! Intolerable. Yesterday I went to see a well-known and respected Naturopath. She was very knowledgeable and seemed to get at the cause of my current issues immediately, diagnosing me with a condition I'd never heard of but there's plenty of literature on it (including Mayo Clinic so totally mainstream) on the Internet. She gave me a whole list of supplements, vitamin & herbal blends, to try and told me to come back in 2 months to report on how they were working. When I added up the cost of the supplements, the total was close to $200. And that would be per month! Yikes!
At first I said no way, I cannot afford to spend that much extra per month, not now and maybe not ever. But then I found most of the items a tad bit cheaper online and decided to go for it. If the combination she put together for me works and I get a higher quality of life back, it's worth it; and I'm really hoping to be able to wean back off the supplements within a few months. The alternative is to have the offending parts taken out, but with my long history of hormonally related migraine, that might not be the best option. So, I have lots of new stuff on order now and am anxious to try the suggested plan. The good news in all of this is that my condition will eventually go away anyway and it is not life-threatening. I just have to find the best way to cope while I wait for the end of my reproductive years.
The reason I decided to write a post about this topic is because it does relate to how I care for my children and what happens when you don't attend to your own concerns in a timely or appropriate fashion. As any good mother does, I always put my kids first. I'm not the "best" mother by any stretch of the imagination, but by golly, their needs are met and met well. When it comes to taking the best care of my own health and mental well-being, that's another story. And, especially when taking care of myself costs $$$, it's a huge struggle for me to take the plunge and spend the money. My husband told me to go ahead and give it a try to see whether or not things improve. I think he is hoping my issues get better because then I'll have fewer days when I'm crabby! Not a bad thing for a spouse to hope for.
The other issue, though, with spending money on myself is the constant and unrelenting nagging thought in the back of my mind - will we have enough money put aside for Miss Roo when we are no longer around to care for her. I do not go to that murky place way in the future (God willing!), where Roo is left without her loving parents at her side, very often; but sometimes I just have to so I can push myself to continue to think about and work out a plan for her care.
So, the big issue for the primary caregiver (Me!), is finding that balance : taking care of myself well enough so I have the strength, drive and energy to take care of my wonderful children. If I get my health in order, I really will have so much more to offer; and that will be in everyone's best interests.
At first I said no way, I cannot afford to spend that much extra per month, not now and maybe not ever. But then I found most of the items a tad bit cheaper online and decided to go for it. If the combination she put together for me works and I get a higher quality of life back, it's worth it; and I'm really hoping to be able to wean back off the supplements within a few months. The alternative is to have the offending parts taken out, but with my long history of hormonally related migraine, that might not be the best option. So, I have lots of new stuff on order now and am anxious to try the suggested plan. The good news in all of this is that my condition will eventually go away anyway and it is not life-threatening. I just have to find the best way to cope while I wait for the end of my reproductive years.
The reason I decided to write a post about this topic is because it does relate to how I care for my children and what happens when you don't attend to your own concerns in a timely or appropriate fashion. As any good mother does, I always put my kids first. I'm not the "best" mother by any stretch of the imagination, but by golly, their needs are met and met well. When it comes to taking the best care of my own health and mental well-being, that's another story. And, especially when taking care of myself costs $$$, it's a huge struggle for me to take the plunge and spend the money. My husband told me to go ahead and give it a try to see whether or not things improve. I think he is hoping my issues get better because then I'll have fewer days when I'm crabby! Not a bad thing for a spouse to hope for.
The other issue, though, with spending money on myself is the constant and unrelenting nagging thought in the back of my mind - will we have enough money put aside for Miss Roo when we are no longer around to care for her. I do not go to that murky place way in the future (God willing!), where Roo is left without her loving parents at her side, very often; but sometimes I just have to so I can push myself to continue to think about and work out a plan for her care.
So, the big issue for the primary caregiver (Me!), is finding that balance : taking care of myself well enough so I have the strength, drive and energy to take care of my wonderful children. If I get my health in order, I really will have so much more to offer; and that will be in everyone's best interests.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Speech Arts Competition
At Roo's school (Big Sis's school for 9 years too), one of the events that all the students participate in is the annual Speech Arts Competition. Kids and/or their parents pick a short piece of poetry, prose, an excerpt from a book, Bible verse, etc.; anything that is appropriate for the child's level and fits into the categories of Religious, Humorous, or Serious. The children present their speech selection, memorized not read, in their classrooms first, then the classroom winners go on to compete against children from other grades in a school wide competition. When Big Sis was there, until just last year, the kids all competed against each other, so a cute little Kindy would be up against a polished, competitive 8th grader. Oftentimes the Kindy would win because they were just so darn cute and they memorized their piece and presented it flawlessly. Last year the structure changed so that K-2nd competed, then 3-5, and finally 6-8. That made more sense.
Big Sis won in her category in the classroom almost every year. One year she didn't win was first grade. Roo was in the NICU during that time of the year and I had no heart/drive/ability to help Sis prep. In second grade, Big Sis even wrote her own piece and the judges let her present it because they were so impressed with what she had done. She won in the classroom but didn't in the school wide competition, even though she got an "A for effort" nod from the judges. Her poem was called "Noah Built an Ark," and it was a funny takeoff on the Bible story. She did a great job with it and I have a copy to give to her when she has kids of her own. After winning the in the classroom several years, it dawned on her that winning meant she would have to go on to face standing up on the big stage and doing her thing in front of the whole school, school staff, most of the parents, and other interested parties. Over time she began to dread that possibility more than probably death itself, and by the end of her school career, 7th & 8th grades, it was obvious that she wasn't even trying in the classroom competition anymore. I enjoy public speaking and have no problem (well almost) with it now, but it took many, many years for me to develop that skill. I was not a natural at a young age.
Now it's Roo's turn to participate in the event. I fretted for a while over what to choose for her. Her teacher had said not to make it too short. What could she memorize? What would she like to do? Too many questions and too much procrastinating on my part (my usual M.O.). So, I finally started googling Kindergarten speech selections for her. Yes she is in first grade, but I didn't want to choose something that wouldn't be appropriate for her. I want her to have fun with this and want to do it again next year.
I found a sweet little religious piece by a 19th century British poet named Christina Rosetti. Roo likes it and her aid has already come up with some cute hand motions to accompany her recitation. She has until April 27th to prepare for the classroom competition. I'll be proud of her no matter how she does!
My Gift
by Christina Rosetti
What will I give Him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd,
I would give a lamb.
If I were a wise man,
I would do my part.
But what will I give Him?
I will give my heart.
Big Sis won in her category in the classroom almost every year. One year she didn't win was first grade. Roo was in the NICU during that time of the year and I had no heart/drive/ability to help Sis prep. In second grade, Big Sis even wrote her own piece and the judges let her present it because they were so impressed with what she had done. She won in the classroom but didn't in the school wide competition, even though she got an "A for effort" nod from the judges. Her poem was called "Noah Built an Ark," and it was a funny takeoff on the Bible story. She did a great job with it and I have a copy to give to her when she has kids of her own. After winning the in the classroom several years, it dawned on her that winning meant she would have to go on to face standing up on the big stage and doing her thing in front of the whole school, school staff, most of the parents, and other interested parties. Over time she began to dread that possibility more than probably death itself, and by the end of her school career, 7th & 8th grades, it was obvious that she wasn't even trying in the classroom competition anymore. I enjoy public speaking and have no problem (well almost) with it now, but it took many, many years for me to develop that skill. I was not a natural at a young age.
Now it's Roo's turn to participate in the event. I fretted for a while over what to choose for her. Her teacher had said not to make it too short. What could she memorize? What would she like to do? Too many questions and too much procrastinating on my part (my usual M.O.). So, I finally started googling Kindergarten speech selections for her. Yes she is in first grade, but I didn't want to choose something that wouldn't be appropriate for her. I want her to have fun with this and want to do it again next year.
I found a sweet little religious piece by a 19th century British poet named Christina Rosetti. Roo likes it and her aid has already come up with some cute hand motions to accompany her recitation. She has until April 27th to prepare for the classroom competition. I'll be proud of her no matter how she does!
My Gift
by Christina Rosetti
What will I give Him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd,
I would give a lamb.
If I were a wise man,
I would do my part.
But what will I give Him?
I will give my heart.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
It's not all bad
I started this blog mostly to force myself to keep a journal of sorts, a place to write about things going on in our lives and my take on the daily ups and downs of raising a child with a disability. I have tons of thoughts floating around in my head all the time, and it has always been difficult for me to put them down on paper; too many other things to do, procrastination, fear of imperfect writing, whatever. Lately I feel like most of what I've needed to write about has been dealing with Roo's behavior issues. I don't want that to be the measure of her life at all. And, at least I know this for myself, if I dwell too much on something, it tends to become bigger in my mind than it is in reality. I let feelings of being overwhelmed and hopeless (only at times, thank heavens), and the need to work with her daily on keeping her "challenges" at bay, take over. Constantly allowing in negative thoughts and fear or despair, have had an impact on my health. I am not the happy, positive person I used to be. I see glimpses at times in myself, but I also need to do a lot of work to try to regain who I was before. I admit to feeling depressed at times, some situational and some just in dealing with the effects of being in full-blown perimenopause and unable to medicate hormonally (tried many types, no luck - too many migraines). I do exercise and eat more good stuff than bad, but have become so bogged down in negative thoughts that getting better will be an uphill battle.
That said, let me also stress that it's not all bad. Roo is a very sweet, lovable, charming, witty, bright, warm, little girl. She walks through life wanting to meet and greet everyone she sees, and is able to win them over with little effort. She cruises the hallways at her school and speaks to every teacher she encounters, asking them about their day and putting smiles on their faces. When I pull up to drop her off in the morning, she always spots kids she especially likes and calls out to them from the car. She also loves every dog on the planet and wants to meet them everywhere she goes. I'm working on teaching her some basic self restraint in that habit. She has come such a far way from the infant hooked up to multiple machines, fighting for her life in the NICU. She has a place in the world and that will grow and expand over the years. I know that for a fact.
So, the next step on my personal journey is to get my life in order. To get healthier and to sweep the negative thoughts and fears from my head. Walking with friends, sticking my head out in the sun as much as possible (a difficult goal where I live!), and just taking time to focus on the positive while keeping the negative at bay will help me when I need all my resources in those moments when I must focus on moving my precious daughter forward.
That said, let me also stress that it's not all bad. Roo is a very sweet, lovable, charming, witty, bright, warm, little girl. She walks through life wanting to meet and greet everyone she sees, and is able to win them over with little effort. She cruises the hallways at her school and speaks to every teacher she encounters, asking them about their day and putting smiles on their faces. When I pull up to drop her off in the morning, she always spots kids she especially likes and calls out to them from the car. She also loves every dog on the planet and wants to meet them everywhere she goes. I'm working on teaching her some basic self restraint in that habit. She has come such a far way from the infant hooked up to multiple machines, fighting for her life in the NICU. She has a place in the world and that will grow and expand over the years. I know that for a fact.
So, the next step on my personal journey is to get my life in order. To get healthier and to sweep the negative thoughts and fears from my head. Walking with friends, sticking my head out in the sun as much as possible (a difficult goal where I live!), and just taking time to focus on the positive while keeping the negative at bay will help me when I need all my resources in those moments when I must focus on moving my precious daughter forward.
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