It's not all bad

I started this blog mostly to force myself to keep a journal of sorts, a place to write about things going on in our lives and my take on the daily ups and downs of raising a child with a disability.   I have tons of thoughts floating around in my head all the time, and it has always been difficult for me to put them down on paper; too many other things to do, procrastination, fear of imperfect writing, whatever.  Lately I feel like most of what I've needed to write about has been dealing with Roo's behavior issues.  I don't want that to be the measure of her life at all.   And, at least I know this for myself, if I dwell too much on something, it tends to become bigger in my mind than it is in reality.  I let feelings of being overwhelmed and hopeless (only at times, thank heavens), and the need to work with her daily on keeping her "challenges" at bay, take over.  Constantly allowing in negative thoughts and fear or despair, have had an impact on my health.  I am not the happy, positive person I used to be.  I see glimpses at times in myself, but I also need to do a lot of work to try to regain who I was before.   I admit to feeling depressed at times, some situational and some just in dealing with the effects of being in full-blown perimenopause and unable to medicate hormonally (tried many types, no luck - too many migraines).  I do exercise and eat more good stuff than bad, but have become so bogged down in negative thoughts that getting better will be an uphill battle. 

That said, let me also stress that it's not all bad.  Roo is a very sweet, lovable, charming, witty, bright, warm, little girl.  She walks through life wanting to meet and greet everyone she sees, and is able to win them over with little effort.  She cruises the hallways at her school and speaks to every teacher she encounters, asking them about their day and putting smiles on their faces.  When I pull up to drop her off in the morning, she always spots kids she especially likes and calls out to them from the car.  She also loves every dog on the planet and wants to meet them everywhere she goes.  I'm working on teaching her some basic self restraint in that habit.  She has come such a far way from the infant hooked up to multiple machines, fighting for her life in the NICU.  She has a place in the world and that will grow and expand over the years.  I know that for a fact. 

So, the next step on my personal journey is to get my life in order.  To get healthier and to sweep the negative thoughts and fears from my head.   Walking with friends, sticking my head out in the sun as much as possible (a difficult goal where I live!), and just taking time to focus on the positive while keeping the negative at bay will help me when I need all my resources in those moments when I must focus on moving my precious daughter forward.