Friendship

This has been a very big year for our family.  The transition from homeschooling back into a school building, with all the pressure to "behave" and learn the ropes while making academic and social progress for little one; and moving from a small, protective environment of 18 8th graders (capacity is 28, they just had a small class the last year), into the much bigger pond of a smallish but way bigger high school in the midst of the city, for big one, has had its ups and downs.  Thankfully overall I'd say there have been many more ups than downs, and isn't that what is important?  

A child's experience of their school years has to do more with the relationships they form with the kids in their class, than the interactions they have daily with teachers, staff and other parents.   Academics are important, but its the social stuff they will likely remember more years later, and that can set the tone for whether they have happy memories or not so great ones of their school age years.  When I was in elementary school, my best friend was one year behind me all the way until 5th grade.  She was very bright and was moved up into my class that year.  Well, I thought we'd be the same and continue on our merry way being BFFs.  That didn't happen.  A couple of girls from my class decided to take her under their wing, and I was left out in the cold.  Horrors!  She and I did eventually become close again, but that was right before my family moved away at the end of 7th grade.  Losing her friendship in 5th grade is one of my clearest memories from that era. 

Big Sis had several close friends in her primary years, but she really needed to dive from the little pond into the vastly larger one of high school.  She often said she was not one of the "popular" girls in her grade school, but I would always counter that with "Do you have good friends?  Do the kids in your class like you?  Then you are 'popular' in that sense, and besides 'popular' hopefully won't mean anything at all to you later on in life."  Of course Motherly advice like that usually goes in one ear and out the other.  Oh well. 

The great news is that now she has a very large group of friends, and they all seem like "good" kids.  I'm starting to sense, based on what some of their parents have told me, and just getting to know the girls a bit, that this particular group is made up of girls who all seemed to think they weren't part of the so-called "popular" crowd at their grade schools.  Imagine that!  They all "survived" grade school and then found each other and formed a pack in high school.  What a wonderful thing for my lovely daughter.  Now comes the hard part.  She is so socially engaged now that she has to work extra hard to stay on top of the rigorous academic program.  She now has to learn how to balance keeping an active social life going while making sure she is doing her best on her assignments.  This will be a very good lesson for her to learn.

With Roo, we are trying to balance finding time for all important playdates after school with all the therapy visits and the need to have some completely unstructured days some days.   I've been very slow in getting the playdates going this year, just because we've had so much else going on, but I know how important they are for building friendships and learning/increasing social skills.  The great news for her is that there are some really sweet girls (and several sweet boys) in her class who are becoming her good friends.  And, the very best way to learn how to modify your own behavior is not to have Mom tell you what to do, or what not to do, but having a peer tell you.  The best way for her to learn not to grab other kids is for those kids to tell her that to her face.  Over time that strategy is working.  

All I ask in this life for my kids in their social pursuits is that they have kind, loyal, good-hearted friends.  I have more wonderful friends now than I've ever had in my life and I want that for them.  Because at the end of the day, it's not what you did, but who you are; and being socially engaged with a variety of people throughout life is one of life's greatest gifts.